“What I didn’t know but learned about anxiety”
Caitlyn Nalder is an inspiring writer and advocate of improving the mental health of our society. I first met her when we worked together in a wilderness therapy program for teens and adults and we have stayed in touch since then and have had many different experiences together. This past Fall she interviewed myself and Rachel Rose, LMFT (https://RachelRoseLMFT.com) to share tips and tricks of how to manage anxiety so that it does not interfere with living a values consistent life. Within this she also shared insights from her own experiences in a heartfelt message that not only helps others feel commonality with others instead of isolation, but also offers methods to help with moving forward. See her article below.
“It was late August, and I was invited to go on a camping trip with some close friends to a beautiful wilderness area in Idaho. It had been over a year since I had slept outside, sat by a fire, and spent time in nature. I used to work with these friends, living in the wilderness and guiding people across rugged terrain while teaching them hard and soft skills. It was my bliss.
But this time, being invited to go on a fun adventure, I found myself feeling uncertain and scared at the prospect of going, for no apparent reason. I couldn’t trust myself or my thoughts, as they circled in my mind: “Should I go? I really want to go, to be with friends and in nature. But this isn’t safe. I am not safe. I need to make the right choice. This is my body telling me something bad is going to happen. I need to listen. Right? I can’t go. I should want to go. I love my friends,” and so on. I didn’t fully accept or recognize it then, but my mental health was suffering. I hadn’t felt joy in months. I had only felt anxiety.
The ADAA (Anxiety and Depression Association of America) says “anxiety disorders develop from a complex set of risk factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events,” and that many people suffering from this disorder go without treatment. It is the most common mental illness in the U.S.
In an interview with OCD and Anxiety Specialists, Amy Lambert, LCSW, and Rachel Rose, LMFT, each defined anxiety. Amy shared, “Simply put, anxiety is fearing the unknown, a fear of uncertainty.” Rachel added that this fear response “is present especially in situations where there is no rational reason to experience fear or distress.” Rachel then pointed out that clinically significant anxiety is anxiety that is excessive, “impairing someone’s ability to function in a way that is normal and developmentally appropriate.”
Whether you are the one experiencing anxiety or are supporting a loved one that feels anxiety frequently, it can be extremely disorienting, frustrating, and defeating. Rachel and Amy collectively shared three skills that can help our journey in navigating anxiety.
1. Name It to Tame It
Rachel shared the phrase, “Name it to tame it,” originally coined by Dan Siegel, MD. She explained that naming an emotion or experience can have a significant impact on being able to manage it. “If someone does not acknowledge that they experience anxiety, or if they have little understanding of what their anxiety is fearful or concerned about, then it will be difficult to learn how to manage it.” She also pointed out that it can help to identify the other aspects of a lived experience, instead of naming it solely as anxiety. For example, when anxiety shows up, you can name the physically felt sensations of the experience, verbalizing feeling “jittery” or “shaky,” and so on.
2. Separate Anxiety from Judgement and Identity
We can also learn to observe and describe our thoughts without judgement when experiencing anxious feelings. Amy Lambert shared, “The thing I see the most is the urge to do something to get rid of the anxiety. A belief that anxiety is very bad, that kids and adults alike cannot handle it, and as a result, it stops us from doing what we want to do. We keep fighting against it, and this often makes the anxious feelings worse.” By learning to notice our anxious feelings without judgment and without assigning moral meaning to them, we are creating a new relationship with the emotion of anxiety. We begin working with it while still being committed to living our life.
Amy continued with another tip, suggesting that if we catch ourselves frequently saying, “I have anxiety,” or “I am anxious,” we can reframe how we name our experience to better serve us. “It can help to try out other phrases, like, ‘I feel anxiety more often than I want to,’ or ‘I am feeling anxious right now.’” This framing makes the anxiety less about who we are at our core, and more about how we are experiencing the moment.
3. Connect and Support
One of the best ways we can help someone that regularly experiences anxiety is by connecting with them, expressing confidence in them, and redirecting focus as needed. Rachel said, “A parent or family member needs to find a way to connect with their loved one’s reality in the moment when they are anxious, communicating ways that they can see, or acknowledge, their loved one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors without judgment.”
Rachel also reiterated the importance of not just focusing on the emotion the entire time, but also incorporating redirection. “By redirecting, this supports the child or adult in feeling that while they are seen and heard in their concerns, regardless of how rational they are, their parent or family member also has the capacity to contain the emotion.” Redirection can look like highlighting the more rational truth, or asking questions to support effective problem solving, without doing the problem solving for the person experiencing anxiety.
Amy reminded us that, “Once we connect with the person and their emotional experience through validation, we can then express confidence in the person, letting them know that they can do what they need to do and get through this (like still going to the social event they are experiencing anxiety about, or even the camping trip).
Seven years have gone by since my anxiety was severe, and a lot has changed for me. Shortly after the camping trip decision (which I did end up going on, thanks to the encouragement from my mom), I was lucky enough to have an advocate and supporter (again, my mother), who encouraged me to talk to a provider she knew and trusted, despite my resistance and fear of medication. A while later, I found a good therapist that could help me make sense of my inner world. And after that, completely by chance, I became good friends with two people that happened to be OCD and Anxiety specialists. In these friendships, I found new ways to think about myself and the intense uncertainty and fear I experienced regularly, and learned to accept it, not judge it, and even be silly about it at times.
My hope is that by sharing a small part of my story and the insights from these experts and friends, someone experiencing anxiety, or someone supporting a loved one that has anxiety, will feel a little less alone and able to take on the next day skillfully.”
